Sometimes when one of my kids is playing a video game, John and I will sit on the couch and just watch. We’ll ask questions and somehow we’ll find ourselves getting sucked into the storyline. I know that sounds like a time-waster, but really it’s just a way for us to connect with the kids.
But that’s how I found myself doing our very best to avoid zombies not that long ago. That’s when we stumbled into an abandoned garage,,, which just happened to have a crossbow leaning against the wall. No arrows, mind you. Just the crossbow.
Now in real life, if I was scraping by trying to not get bitten by a zombie I wouldn’t have picked up the crossbow. You know why? No arrows. (duh) But when you play a video game and you find a crossbow… somehow you just know that you’re going to stumble upon several caches of arrows very soon.
And sure enough, we did.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived a little like we do in video games? That when we find a crossbow, we trust in the world enough to know that arrows will be appearing sometime in the near future.
…Or when we have a tough decision, somehow it will lead us where we need to go.
…Or that when we make a mistake, somehow it’s going to be for the best.
Wow, that would really help us worry a lot less. Wouldn’t it?
But the truth is - life is a bit like a video game. No zombies, thank God, but when things happen to us we can either say our life sucks and stress and worry… OR
We can believe that the universe really does have our back.
This week on the podcast—299: How to Stop Worrying—we talked about stress and worry and we talked about how you have a dog living in your head… (yeah, you’ll have to give that episode a listen for that to make sense 😂). I wanted to follow up to that episode by sharing with you 5 additional ways to worry less. Let’s start with how you think…
What’s Your Thinking?
You know how magazines always have some kind of quiz about your relationship style or your spring style or your color style? Well it should be no surprise that we all have worrying styles. Here’s a few:
Black or White: Looking at things as all or nothing, with no gray area.“If I don’t land this client, I’ll never get a promotion.”
Overgeneralizing: Letting a single negative experience taint your view of everything else.“I didn’t get the job. No one will ever pay me what I’m worth.”
Negating the Positive: Making up reasons why positive events don’t count. “I did well on my last presentation, but that was just dumb luck.”
The Psychic: Jump to conclusions without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader: “I can tell she secretly hates me.” Or a fortune teller: “I just know something is going to go wrong.”
Catastrophizing: Always expecting the worst-case scenario to happen. “The pilot said there will be some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!”
Stealing Responsibility: Assuming responsibility for things that aren’t really yours or are outside your control. “I just know my daughter is going to get in an accident. I need to constantly track her on my phone.”
Any of those seem to ring a bell? If you listened to the podcast this week you know I used to be a chronic worrier, so I’d say most of those were ringing bells for me!! I really resonated with Negating the Positive and Stealing Responsibility.
The good news is that once you understand your thinking, it’s easier to change it. Especially when you use one of these 5 steps:
1. Understand the Real Problem
Is the issue you’re worrying about solvable or unsolvable? In other words, is it really something you can control?
Productive, solvable worries are those you can take action on right away. For example, if you’re worried about losing your job, you could start looking over and beefing up your resume.
Unproductive, uncontrollable worries are those with no true corresponding action. “What if I get cancer someday?” or “What if my kid gets into an accident?”
If it’s a solvable worry, a good first step is just to sit down and brainstorm a few simple things you can do to take action. Set a timer for 10 minutes and just list out what would help to make the problem feel easier. Then, choose one the smallest ones to start with—get a little momentum going.
And, truthfully, even a lot of uncontrollable worries - like “what if my kid gets into an accident”—can have micro actions that you take. You can have conversations about always wearing their seat belt, you can make sure they understand road safety when it’s rainy, you can make sure they have a first aid kit in their car, etc.
You can set them up for success, but at some point you have to let them out into the wild, wild world. (Said by me…a mom whose son is currently traveling alone through Europe!)
2. Schedule Worry
Okay, I know this seems counterproductive but when worrying interrupts your day, it can throw everything in a tailspin. And, let’s be honest, just saying “don’t worry” never works. This is because trying to “thought stop” forces you to pay extra attention to the very thought you want to avoid.
One study from Penn State, found that people who scheduled “worry time” showed a significant decrease in anxiety in 2-4 weeks — and they slept better. Creating a container of time to chase down the rabbit holes in your mind actually helps you worry less.
Here’s the catch: it has to be a limited time. You have to make an agreement with yourself that your worries are only indulged during this time and can’t bleed into the rest of the day. This is very similar to the College Planning Night system we talked about back in episode 298: The Power of Imperfect Decisions right around the 28:37 mark. It made choosing a college for Jack so much less worrisome for him (and for us!)
3. Interrupt the Cycle of Thoughts
It’s easy to spiral into a rabbit hole of worrying thoughts. But studies actually show that you can interrupt that cycle of thoughts by moving your body, meditation, going outside, or taking some deep breaths.
Meditation is one of my favorite ways to break the cycle of thoughts because it switches your focus from worrying about the future or dwelling on the past to what’s happening right now. By being fully engaged in the present moment, you can interrupt the endless loop of negative thoughts and worries.
Also…you don’t need to sit in a weird pretzel shaped pose on the floor, light incense, or chant. Meditation is simply quieting your thoughts and can be done while walking, taking a shower or even at your desk.
4. Get Comfortable with a Little Uncertainty
At the end of the day, we cannot control everything. I would say that I wish I could, but I’m actually glad I can’t. My glimpse at my life timeline is limited to where I stand today and everything that happened before this moment. I have a very limited view of my life’s arc. And that’s a good thing. Life is more fun with a few surprises…
Worrying is just a way we try to predict the future because we think it will prevent unpleasant surprises and control the outcome. The problem is, it doesn’t work. As a person who DOES love to have some control, I have a little activity I do to help me feel okay uncertainty that I’ll share below.
5. Ask Yourself a Few Questions
And, finally, when all else fails, ask yourself some key questions:
What’s the evidence that this thought is true? (Maybe there’s none.)
Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at this situation? (Definitely)
What’s the worst case scenario? And is that really something you can’t recover from? (Probably not.)
Is the problem real or is it an imaginary what-if? (We all experience what ifs… but let it go my friend.)
I find that running through these questions immediately centers me and reminds me to let go of the worry.
Two Quick and Easy Methods to Stop Worrying All the Time
I spent the first four decades of my life as a chronic worrier… and now, I barely worry at all. It’s amazing what a difference that makes in my life. The extra mindspace, the lack of stomach aches, ah… the freedom. There are 2 fool-proof methods to alleviate my worry that help every single time that I want to share with you. Both are deceptively simple but they were starting points in me shifting from racing thoughts into a stress free way of living.