Best Relationship Advice I Ever Heard
A 6 Word Phrase that Starts Real Conversations
John and I had been married for less than a month when we found ourselves moving in slow circles around a dance floor. The bandleader at the wedding had summoned all the married couples to slow dance as they played an old Glen Campbell tune.
The bandleader called out, “Anyone married less than a year?” We raised our hands as we were shooed off the dance floor. Less than 5 years? Less than 10? 20?
As the decades increased, the number of swaying couples dwindled until only one couple moved slowly around the floor– a tiny slip of a woman and her husband with thin tufts of white hair combed carefully into place. As the song faded out, we all watched as these two people moved in small, shuffling steps in perfect synchrony.
We all applauded as the bandleader raised his hands up to silence the crowd. “How many years?” he asked. The man looked up and proudly said, “67 years.”
Wow. 67.
You know the question we all wanted to know… what’s the secret? The woman’s smile lit up her face as she said:
Don’t go to bed angry. Stay up all night and fight.
I remember thinking it was so funny, that advice. When you are engaged everyone doles out the old adage to not go to bed angry. But stay up all night and fight?!?
And now after 24 years myself, I think it’s the best relationship advice I’ve ever heard.
We’ve been going through some things at my house that have meant standing up and fighting for yourself.
No, not John and me.
But some things have been happening behind the scenes with extended family members that have caused a lot of stress.
And a lot of hurt feelings.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about that older woman and her advice, I understand now, what she meant. It had made the crowd laugh to hear this tiny 5 foot nothing woman say that she would fight all night with her husband. But what she said was true:
Relationships are Worth Fighting For.
And, yes, that word fighting is accurate here.
But fighting doesn’t have to mean getting defensive or lashing out in anger or hurting feelings… fighting can simply be making the choice reach out and start a deeper conversation.
That can be hard.
Especially if you are the one who’s done something that requires an apology…Even if whatever you did wasn’t on purpose. (After all, most of us don't go around hurting people we love on purpose, right?)
But what do you say when you don’t know what to say?
Here’s the 6 word phrase that starts bridge-building conversations no matter the situation:
I don’t know what to say…
That’s it. And then follow it up with a couple of options:
💙 I’m sorry you are upset.
💜 What can I say or do that will help?
🩵 How can I make this up to you?
Even if you haven’t done something wrong… those 6 words work magic. They take the burden off of trying to find the perfect words and they give you permission to just lay yourself out flat with genuine feelings.
Stop Looking for the Perfect Words
John’s dad died about 2 months ago. I could say they had a complicated relationship, but that would be like saying the Titanic was just a boat.
When the two of us were driving to the funeral I was covertly texting our kids to make sure they reached out to John so he would feel supported. Both my kids texted me the same thing almost in unison: But I don’t know what to say!!
So I wrote back: Well, that’s exactly what you need to say.
Within a few minutes they each texted John some version of:
I don’t know what to say, I wish I had the right words. I know today is hard. I love you.
I heard his phone beep. I watched him glance at his phone and I immediately saw the tiniest uptick of the corners of his mouth. On a hard day–like the day you have to bury your dad–you don’t care what the words are… you just want to know you are loved.
Isn’t that the truth for every single one of us?
The Old Practice: Worry about saying the perfect thing so much that I end up saying nothing at all.
The New Practice: Allow myself to be vulnerable and perfectly imperfect and to say that I really don’t know much, but I know I care about you.
Resources To Help
Are You the Raccoon or the Architect?
On the podcast last week, John and I talked about communication in marriage and how we divide up work in business and at home. And we discussed which one I am – the raccoon or the architect. You might be surprised.
Listen on your favorite podcast player or watch it below to find out:
One of the ways I make sure there’s no hurt feelings when it comes to relationships at work and home, is I have a clear system for delegation. Last week, I shared an article on The Secret Every Successful Person Knows (spoiler: it’s delegation!) I shared a download to help make delegation easier, and we get clear on the fact that delegation does not mean, “I assign the work and then somehow end up doing it myself.” 🤦🏻♀️
Delegation and communication are 2 keys for my family meeting each week. Here’s a video I shot a few years ago that walks you through how we plan out our week as a family:
Hard conversations are hard.
That’s so astute, I might consider cross stitching it on a pillow 🤣
But when we do the difficult thing–when we reach out and engage in conversations that involve real emotions (and real listening), we build stronger relationships. Use the 6 words to start a conversation and see if that helps.
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3 Random (Fun) Things
Here’s a few things I’ve been doing, thinking, or reading about this week…
🎁 TWO Fun Freebies: Did you know our Academic Year planners launched today on inkWELL Press? These planners run July 2024-June 2025 and to celebrate, we are doing something really fun. The first 100 orders get a FREE set of Poly Monthly Tabs and everyone (for the next 2 weeks) gets a bonus 2024 full year planner so you can start planning right away - no need to wait until July to get started!
📚 What I’m Reading: I’m re-reading Never Split the Difference. This is probably one of the most helpful non-fiction books I’ve ever read about negotiations… and if you are in any kind of relationship you know a good number of conversations are really negotiations! I literally used the tactics in the book the other day in a parent-teacher conference.😂(True story.)
🥂 Recently Discovered: Okay, I’m no wine snob (I’m a big fan of a $15 or less bottle of wine) but when I tried this $6 bottle of Champagne I was a little skeptical. Then I tasted it. And I immediately ordered several bottles because we all need a little bubbly on hand to celebrate that it’s Friday…or Tuesday… or Whatever. Right?