What REALLY Makes You Happy?
An exercise to help you answer the age-old question... What do I really want in life?
Jack is currently back living at home with us. I mentioned on the podcast this week that life had thrown me several curveballs while I was on my radical sabbatical. This is yet another one.
Around mid-summer, while he kinda floundered around, the three of us made the decision that he should pull out of college for at least a year. There were a lot of things that happened that got him to the point where he needed to walk away from High Point, but that’s a story for another day. (And it will most likely be a full-on rant that will require me to write with a glass of wine in hand.)
We decided this gap year needed some parameters, so here were my 3 ground rules:
You can’t live in my basement (aka no sleeping till noon).
You need to do acts of service and volunteer to build your self-worth.
You need to leave the country and get some perspective.
Jack is 20 years old, so maybe 👆🏼saying ‘rules’ doesn’t really apply… these were more like guidelines. Enforced guidelines… but guidelines nevertheless.
So, off he went to live in the rainforests of Costa Rica, exchanging volunteer hours for an outdoor bedroom and as much rice and beans as he could eat. Working at an animal rehabilitation center he helped nurse sloths, kinkajous, parrots, and spider monkeys back to health so they could be re-released into the wild.
Jack has always been my nervous, introverted kid. But he did it. He traveled by bus to other countries, he met people from around the world, he ended up being one of the leads of the sloth rehab team. He pushed so far out of his comfort zone, he seemed to thrive.
And Then He Came Home.
The first week was fantastic, he was full of ideas and excitement. He was already planning another trip to go out to Europe and spend time with all his new friends.
Then the second week came. And we quietly slipped back to old habits:
Questioning himself, worrying about what direction he was supposed to go next… the old inner voice telling him he has to have it alllll figured out before he can really move forward.
What I love about Jack (and there are many things I love) but what I really love about him is the deep conversations he’s willing to have with me. He goes there to the deep dark places. We’ve had a thousand conversations since he’s been home. And what I’ve realized is, at the end of the day I only want one thing (something I already knew)
Happiness is what I really want for my kid.
Happiness.
It’s really that simple.
While my wishes may sound slightly different:
I wish he could find something he loves to do.
I wish he could see himself the way I see him.
I wish he felt more confident in his abilities.
They’re all steeped in the same desire, the same want: I want my kid to be happy.
And once I realized that, helping him became easier. After all, we both wanted the same thing.
Years ago I spent time researching happiness and diving into how we find it. I realized that we’ve all been conditioned to do tasks that we think should make us feel good: crossing things off your to-do list, checking and responding to emails, putting out the fires, doing all the things.
But somehow they don’t really fill us up with joy. In fact, they leave us feeling guilty and a little bit empty (like we probably should check that inbox again just in case another email slipped in in the past 3 minutes).
But we do these things because we want to be successful. Right? And won’t success make us happy?
Harvard researchers, though, have discovered that success doesn’t actually bring happiness… happiness actually brings success. Wow. I think that needs repeating.
Happiness actually brings success.
The big question is, though: WHAT makes us happy?
I think we all know that taking care of ourselves leads to more patience, less stress, better connections. None of that is mind-blowing news. Self-care conversations have been trending since the pandemic, but too many people think of self-care as bubble baths, eye masks and foot massages.
While I’m happy to enjoy all of those, they don’t really take care of my needs.
Your Essential Needs
I wish I could give you a quick and easy checklist of the 5 things that will make you happy. But I can’t. Everyone is different and we all have different needs; I’ve discovered there’s really 3 categories that our needs fit into:
Satisfaction - perceiving that you have choices and that you have a say in the workings of your world; this stronger locus of control has been shown to contribute to less job turnover and happier home lives
Connection - the happiness that comes with relationships and feelings related to others; relatedness is well-documented to increase moods, better health and longer lifespans
Exploration - the pursuit of new ideas, experiences and trying out different interests; new activities promote healthy aging and keep your brain active
Most people typically need something from each of these 3 main categories to feel whole and fulfilled. And within each category, there are a variety of activities that help you gain the benefits - these are your essential needs.
When you take care of your essential needs you feel like this about yourself:
After sitting with Jack and going through the Essential Needs, I’ve seen a dramatic turnaround. He feels a little clearer, and he seems to have more direction. You see, he understands what he needs in order to feel happier. And it, honestly, doesn’t take much.
What Do YOU Really Need?
Now I want to share the Essential Needs Activity with you.
Download and print out the Essential Needs Activity.
With your print out ready, simply listen as I run through the 21 different types of needs in the audio below. As I give a quick overview of each one, ask yourself “How much does this activity recharge me?” Then give it a rating from 1-5.
Once you’ve listened to the audio and rated all 21 needs, write down your top needs - I call these your Significant Seven.
The rest of the activity will guide you through what to do.
Hey - I know you are already overthinking this. (I have a tendency to do that too.) So here’s what’s important: Don’t stress about the rating. Just go with your gut. How does this activity/need make you feel? Then mark it down and move to the next one. I go fast through the audio because I don’t want you to think too much.
Your Significant Seven are what you need on a regular basis, so I’d love for you to make time to start trying to integrating them into your week.
They don’t require much time, but see if it doesn’t make a difference right away to how your days feel. After all, it’s Not Rocket Science.
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